Zen Thoughts

There's a book called Zen Shorts. Eva frequently requests that it be read to her and I find that I have begun using some of the 'punchlines' as a quick way to deliver a lesson. Most often, I find myself saying "I put her down hours ago. Why are you still carrying her?"


Today proved to be a great example of the lessons found in the stories titled "The Farmer" and "Uncle Ry".


The Farmer:

It was after 1am when I went to bed this morning. Although my mind was preoccupied with thoughts of room renovations, schedules, and just needing to get some sleep, I was physically exhausted. I watched the minutes pass by and opted to continue watching rather than getting up and setting the alarm. 

After all, Xander is always up before the alarm. How fortunate I am to have a child with a built in alarm clock! I don't have to rely on a mechanical one. Maybe.


He didn't wake up this morning. I actually had to wake him up, in a bit of a panic, because we needed to be somewhere at 8:30am. How unfortunate! Maybe.


As we approached the friend's house, I realized I didn't actually know which one was hers. I had never been there before! Xander was already worried about being late that when we arrived in the neighborhood, he ran up to the first door and rang the bell. He seemed to have forgotten how shy he usually is and took a big risk. It paid off too, because it was the correct house. How fortunate! Maybe.


I think you get the idea and rather than going through all the fortunes and misfortunes of the morning (seeing a movie, but tickets being sold out so the friends we planned to meet could't get in, etc) to the real back and forth crux of the story.


Fortunately, we made it to the gas station from the theater on what probably amounted to fumes. Unfortunately, when I tried to turn the car back on so we could leave, it opted to not work. Fortunately, when I informed the lady waiting in line behind me, she had two grown sons who kindly pushed the car from out in front of the pump for me. They even tried to help me. Unfortunately, it was to no avail. We had to walk the three or four blocks back home in the high heat and humidity. The children were unhappy about that, but even more upset that we wouldn't be able to go to their play date without transportation. Fortunately, a friend from Xander's school happened to see us walking and stopped to see how he could help. Handing over my car keys, he went to the car and got the children's car seats for me so we could attend the play date.


And so the day continued.


Our fortunes were all mixed up with our misfortunes. But one without the other would have drastically changed our story and resulted in missed opportunities. We experienced the generosity of strangers and friends alike. We walked the path less traveled and witnessed nature in unexpected and awesome ways. The kids napped in the car for nearly 40 minutes. (Okay, that was a perk mostly for me.)


Uncle Ry:
In between the tragedies and celebrations of the day, my children were given the moon. Not the literal moon or even anything resembling the physical rock caught in the Earth's gravitational pull. Rather, they received a thank you card from strangers for their generosity. "People are really that happy when we give them my old clothes and toys?" Xander asked, bewilderment, joy, and a beautiful understanding lighting his eyes.


Much like Uncle Ry, who had few material possessions to give, the family gave my children the moon.

How To Make A Baby

Eva was sitting on Jeff's lap while Xander was racing around the soccer field when she suddenly looked up at Jeff and asked, "How do you make a baby?" For a fraction of a second, I could see Jeff's eyes grow large and the frame of his body pull away. Remembering it was a four year old asking and not a teenager, he relaxed and shrugged it off.


"Daddy, do you know how to make a baby?" She wasn't going to let him off the hook.


"I do," he said. Then using one of the better tricks of parenting, he turned the question back to her. "Do you know how to make a baby?"


"Yep. You take a little bit of girl stuff," she responded while reaching into thin air with her left hand, "and a little bit of boy stuff." I watched as her right hand extended into the air so her hand could grasp the imagined boy stuff. "And then you put them together like this." She clapped her hands together as if she were molding playdoh or shaping cookie dough. "Then, you put them in a bowl and mix them up and you have a baby." She had quickly mimed stirring the ingredients in a bowl before putting her hands out to present the invisible child she had just whipped up.


Jeff had pulled back. A smile was on his lips and a sparkle in his eye. He was honestly astonished at how much she seemed to know, even if it wasn't exactly accurate. He prompted her to tell him again and she happily obliged, including keeping with the physical demonstration. "That's right," he said before he lifted his eyes to the on-going game.


"Daddy," Eva called again. He looked down at her inquiring what she wanted. "Do you want to make a baby with me tonight?" she asked.


Hugging her to him quickly so she couldn't see his composure slip, he assured her heartily that he truly did not. I could see her shoulders slump. Jeff! You could of at least said you would make baby pancakes or cookies with her! She's only 4 and her mind doesn't go where yours did!

An Apology- An Excuse

We first started the blog (although it was hosted elsewhere) as a way to connect to family. It was used rarely as the process to post was cumbersome. I had to write the piece and then nag Jeff to add the html code to make it accessible. I don't like to nag and keeping up with the blog was an extremely low priority. At the time, no one really knew it existed.


Then technology improved, host sites began popping up everywhere, and it became within my skills to manage the blog on my own. No more nagging, an outlet to write, and the blog you know today was born. It was really rewarding! People read it and then called to ask other questions or laugh along with the 'joke'. I was motivated to write something every few days. Even if it seemed mundane to me, others rallied around it.


So we increased the functionality and extended the reach by making it public so our family across the state could access it as well. We enabled comments, posted more pictures, attached photo albums that would allow people to print pictures instead of calling and trying to describe which one they wanted and in what size. Surprisingly, no one commented. I'm not sure anyone has ever printed a picture although I know people look at them. Sometimes.


My motivation started to ebb away and so did the postings. Then Jeff had a brainstorm! For Christmas (2 years ago), he decided he would turn our blog into a coffee table book. I was delighted and thrilled with the idea. Knowing it would be a record we could look back on in our Alzheimer's Days, I began posting a couple of times a week again. I recruited help in proof reading for basic grammar errors. (Ever notice how many times I've typed tot he instead of to the? I do..... but only upon review months later.) Jeff transferred it, painstakingly, to a format that could be printed through one of several websites. He added pictures, saved the kids quotes, etc. It was beautiful.


It's still sitting in a file on his computer waiting to be proof read and the money to print a 90 page full color book. It won't be cheap. I wonder if it will ever be finished. It has certainly stopped being a motivator. Year two hasn't been started yet.


Then he had another brainstorm. Link the blog to facebook so people don't have to visit it personally. A new motivating factor was born. People started commenting again! But like the other trends, fewer and fewer people commented or even pressed the like button. 


Today marks the 28th day since I last posted. There are things I have wanted to say. We visited my sister in North Carolina and spent an extended weekend in South Carolina where we visited friends and spent some time just being the four of us. We came home to a wonderful 4th of July weekend filled with fireworks, fire flies, a bonfire, and memorable trip to the living history museum known as Old World Wisconsin. Xander learned to ski and earned his yellow belt in karate. Eva has been referred back to a GI specialist.


Those are the things I sat down with enthusiasm to write about tonight. Instead, they share 2 sentences and I've written what feels like a good-bye letter. I question more than ever what the worth is in continuing this blog. I know there is long-term worth. (The kids will eventually have dates and probably children of their own. Those things beg for embarrassing stories and evidence of such occurrences.) Right now, I lack the motivation.